One of those mornings....

I love Fridays! But, this past Friday started out horribly...and it was my fault. Jake woke up earlier than usual (6:00-he usually gets up around 6:15 or 6:30, we leave for school at 7:45) and it went down hill from there. We have a short list of things to do in the morning and they are: make your bed, eat, brush your teeth, make sure your hair isn't crazy, get dressed, feed the dog and get your back pack as you walk out the door. Not too bad, and most mornings it goes smoothly. This particular morning I had to take a shower to go to a PTO meeting and I couldn't remind Jake to stay on task...to make a long story short I let Jake be late to school, after bringing him to tears...I felt horrible. When I realized that he was doing every step on the list, but taking 20 minutes to do each task, I got very frustrated and decided rather than prodding him, (which I don't usually have to do, but lately I have been having to more often) I let him waste the time he should have been getting ready so I could teach him a lesson...I think it worked. I doubt we will be late again for this reason...but the process I used to come to this conclusion broke my heart and his. I told him when he was sitting looking at his scholastic book order form (with, no shoes on, crazy hair and bag not ready to go) that he had 4 minutes and I was not going to help him and I may leave him because I had to be at school...I have threatened him with leaving him before, but he doesn't usually believe it because he knows I would never do it, but it makes him hustle any way. Well, needless to say 4 minutes later I was headed out the door and he was crying and trying to make himself a lunch. On Fridays he gets school lunch, but in the chaos of my threats and yes I do admit my yelling, he forgot that and he thought I was not willing to help in any way ever again and therefore he would have to fend for himself ...I of course would never leave him, but the very crazed voice that I threatened him with this time was one that he took very seriously. I know some mothers that would say good for you, sometimes you just have to do the tough love thing...And I thought that that is how I would feel when it seemed I had won! But the look on his sweet face let me know that though yelling and threats work very well for some children, it doesn't really work for Jake. I can remember 3 other times I have finally resorted to similar tactics and they have never worked. But this time was even worse. You see when he was 3 and I had my adult meltdown (similar to a child's-you know yelling, saying things that you don't really mean) I explained to him how it was not okay for anyone to act that way, and I was sorry, and we need to work together, and do you understand why I got so frustrated, and so on and so on....Well, he is 7 now and even though he knows what he needs to do and yes he can do it all without my help...Maybe, just maybe, he isn't ready to really not need me to help him and I am not ready for him to not need me to help him. Our routine is getting ready together and that works for us because as he often reminds me he is at school for 6 hours and 45 minutes and we have to spend all the other time we can together. I have a sweet 7 year old who still loves to be with me. At what age does that change? I hope never, but if I keep breaking his little heart it could be sooner than later. I calmed down and we got in the Jeep and we talked on the 2 minute trip to school (and yes we were late) and we both said we were sorry, but I still felt horrible. I told him I would come have lunch with him and I did. I even brought him a card to let him know I was proud of him. Which, it turns out, all his friends thought was very cool. I am glad that us not working together doesn't work. I know he can do all the things he needs to and he usually does but, I am starting to figure out that the days he needs the extra shove are usually the days that he needs a little more me. He doesn't really need my help but he needs to feel loved and cared for. This was a busy week of lots of homework, babysitting, family being in town and school meetings. And even though it was a great week, we didn't have a lot of time to spend together, just us. Friday morning was his way of letting me know he was needing a little more from me and I was to busy to notice. Don't get me wrong my child doesn't listen all the time and he does not always do what I want him to do, but this was not one of those times, this was a time he just needed me and I didn't realize it until I hurt his feelings. Another day that I went to bed thinking have I done any good today? I am rambling and I know it, but it feels better to get it off my chest. I really hope I am not the only one making, as I call them "mommy mistakes". But if I am at least I am figuring them out as I go...or at least trying too!